"Lestat played with her as if she were a magnificent doll, and I played with her as if she were a magnificent doll... Yet more and more her doll-like face seemed to possess two totally aware adult eyes, and innocence seemed lost somewhere with neglected toys and the loss of a certain patience." [1]
In the book, Interview with the Vampire, Claudia was the child vampire who never grew up. Her makers and victims treated her like a child because of her tiny unchangeable body, but as the years passed her mind matured into that of a grown woman. She essentially became the woman trapped in the body of a beautiful little girl, and the consequences of her creation meant one thing. Even among vampires, her status as a child vampire was unnatural, unwelcome.
Though the vampire only exists in myths and literature, situations similar to Claudia's are becoming reality due to medical advances. Unfortunately, along with such advances, ethics come into play, and no matter how well meaning a procedure may be, ultimately there is bound to be a losing side.
The Pillow Angel
In October of last year the Journal of the American Medical Association (JAMA) published an article detailing the procedures done on a little girl known only as Ashley X. In January of this year, the child's parent's started a web blog detailing her medical history and procedures, which was called "The Ashley Treatment." The underlying purpose of the treatment being to make this child's life as comfortable as possible.
Diagnosed with static encephalopathy, it was clear to her parents and the physicians treating little Ashley that she would always have the mental state of a three month old child. However, unlike a child, her body would grow and mature into that of a woman as she aged. Ashley's parents felt they had to make a choice. They could stunt their child's growth, and remove from her body those organs that could bring her pain later in life; or, they could allow the aging process to proceed as usual and subject her to risks which might include rape and breast cancer.
As parents they felt they were making the best decision for Ashley. But when news broke about what they had allowed, what the physicians had done to a defenseless disabled child, the disability community was inconsolable.
Do No Harm
When do parents cross the line when it comes to their children? Some say spanking, others say worse. According to the disability community, a little girl was sexually mutilated and stunted. If she becomes more aware than she is, it will be too late for her to tell her parents that she wants to grow up and be a real woman.
If her three month old mind becomes more aware.
It's been stated that Ashley X will always act like a little, little girl.
When do parents cross the line, and when should physicians be accountable?

The ethics committee essentially did a cost-benefit analysis and concluded that the rewards outweighed the risks. Keeping Ashley smaller and more portable, the doctors argue, has medical as well as emotional benefits: more movement means better circulation, digestion and muscle condition, and fewer sores and infections. "If you're going to be against this," Gunther says, "you have to argue why the benefits are not worth pursuing." [2]

If a family has a documented history of cancer, chances are that the children will at some time inherit the illness, especially if it's genetic. Ashley's parent's made decisions to help her avoid the cancer dilemma. The also made some choices, that while endearing, makes one wonder if Ashley would have wanted this.
No one wants to see a child suffer, but sometimes a parent has to make a decision. Not one that's viewed as an assault on an entire community, but one from a parent to a child.
Taken from a slightly different perspective, are parents abusive when they decide to have rods implanted in their child's spine because of scoliosis. In this case a child may have a perfectly capable mind, but the pain of such a procedure, and the adjustment afterwards is just as unappealing even if the results are for the best.
Again, where is the line? Is it at conception with the emergence of designer babies, or before birth where parents are given some choice to dispose of a fetus if it's defective? Or perhaps it's afterwards, judged under community standards where a person decides what is in the best interest of the child even if we aren't the parents?
Once a baby is born, and the bills pile up, parents have to make the choices. Many abandon, others neglect, and some do the best that they can with what they have. The case of Ashley X is a difficult one because of what's been done to this little girl, this "Pillow Angel." She's been desexed and modified, changed into a little doll apparently to fulfill a parent's whim. This is one point of view. The other is that as parents they've improved Ashley's life, and can ensure that they'll be able to protect her for many years to come.
Parents have one of the most difficult jobs in the world, but one theme remains constant: it's for the children.

1. Rice, Anne. Interview with the Vampire. New York: Knopf, 1976. 98, 100)
2. http://www.time.com/time/nation/article/0,8599,1574851,00.html

What's the best way to distract one's self before impending bar results? I'd love to know. I need to know, especially after the lovely nightmare I had last night. It was bloody brilliant.
Basically, I spent the entire time avoiding the internet. My phone was ringing, my parents were calling, the signs were pointing towards a positive result, but in my head I was convinced I had failed! I was at the testing site and a panel from the Board of Law Examiners was even passing out pamphlets with pictures of all testers who had passed. They had a special section for the five timers. Five had made it, and I was one of them. My picture looked awful. I wanted to choke the man who gave me the pamphlet.
Still, I wouldn't check my voicemail, and I refused to look online. The worst part of not passing is not seeing your name on that list. Never again would I go through that humiliation. And when I finally checked my messages the next morning, they were meaningless. I received the letter in the mail, and my parents opened it. It was a certificate stating I had passed, but I felt sick to my stomach. Then I woke up.
See, I'm doomed.
I'm in dire need of a distraction.

I just had coffee with spoiled milk. My stomach isn't happy. It isn't like I did it on purpose. As I was drinking the stuff I kept blaming the coffee. I was beginning to believe that my skills as a cook had failed. I've yet to make the perfect iced coffee from the brewed stuff. Then we checked the milk. The milk that supposedly doesn't expire till May 3rd. It was so dead.
My stomach is not happy, and I'm still craving the perfect cup of coffee. I want it iced!
I have realized that I need the darker brew.

I've been having to ask those tough questions. The what if, and what's next if I don't pass. It becomes more of a reality the more each day goes by, and though it's not as painful as I imagined, it's not something I can ignore.
I know I'm tired of studying.
I'm tired of doing nothing.
I can't be the work from home personality. As much as a part of me loves to be anti-social, the other half is just dying to meet new people and be a part of something. I need to be challenged. I have to be challenged, stressed, worked in order to feel like I'm doing my fair share.
I've been writing. Some of it hasn't been great, but the stuff that I'm proud of the most is my fiction. A friend suggested I should aim for the e-zines. I may have to go for it.
If I don't pass I may just end up in California. There are actual jobs there for people with legal degrees. Here, I'm either too qualified, or I don't merit an answer.
If I pass, I'm going to be an attorney. I just feel like I'm on the loser tract, again. I'd be so good at it too.

There's a conference right now on the Virginia Tech tragedy that occured yesterday, They're about to release new information about the gunman. They just confirmed that both incidents are related, and ballistics matched. They also have a person of interest.
I'm just stunned by it all. Notre Dame played against Virginia Tech my last year there. We barely beat them. It was a sign of a not so brilliant year in football. Hearing this now it's rather shocking to recognize the school, to hear something so horrible.
The shooter is allegedly a resident alien from South Korea. Why do I have a feeling that the media is going to go nuts over this?

I confess that I am not myself when placed in the middle of a crowd. Shy, quiet, reserved. I'm the comma in the middle of the sentence. One of many paintings on display at an artist's premiere.
I confess that sometimes I wish I could scream, and scream, and scream some more until my throat aches from the strain on my vocal chords. Then I'll be petrified by it all. Not because I screamed, but because I, the subconcious attention seeker, had actually done it. Such sweet release even as prying eyes ogle me and I recoil from their gaze. Might I dance again? No one cares. The outside matters more. She may have a pretty step, but look at her. Do you like what you see? Please let me know. Attention whore that I am.
I confess that my self-esteem still gets the better of me.
I confess that I'm a woman, and I like it. I confess that I am a woman, and I hate it. Pretty eyes glance my way through the mirror, stubby legs and a stomach to match. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. That eye has stabbed me in the back.
I confess that I like men, but let's not talk about that.
I confess that religion and I don't seem to get along these days, but the Lord and I still have a lovely understanding, even if he still breaks my heart.
I have a confession to make. I have no more confessions . Revelations are a thing of the past, and these are just too painful. Too selfish, too insignificant, and in the end it all comes back to the thing I love to hate and hate to love: attention.

I had a professor in college who was very fond of stating that everything in life was for the children. Clinton's policies were for the children, just forget about that little blue dress. When we discussed Dante's Inferno, some of the underlying themes would relate back to the children even if some of us in class would end up deeply perturbed. The poet's take on limbo: heathen or unbaptized, your still going to hell.
Still, one theme remained constant in my professor's thinking, and it's prevalent even now. What about the children? Who will protect them from the government, from their parents if they're born with a disability? Should they be protected?
Euthanasia and the case of Emilio Gonzales
For the past few years disability advocates have been weighing in heavily against measures favoring euthanasia. Because many in the disabled community do not have control of their own care, there's an undeniable fear that a family member, case worker, or physician will decide that a disability is so severe that an affected person wouldn't want to live. It's a matter of who has and who doesn't have the control, and when the disabled person doesn't have a natural right to control his/her life, it's downright frightening. Someone else decides who lives or dies. However, every story has an angle, and not everyone in the disability community views euthanasia as the most horrible way to approach death.
Euthanasia for many in the community is the answer. There are disabilities that are so debilitating and terrifying that many would like to die before having to deal with the symptoms. There are no cures for cystic fibrosis, or Lou Gehrig's disease. Though there have been medical breakthroughs, and medications to extend life, reality doesn't go away. Pain doesn't disappear, and it's horrible. Though many may question these types of decisions, euthanasia is what some people choose, unless of course a the third party is involved. When it's a lover, or a sibling, or a child, sometimes the person considering euthanasia can't be dissuaded and won't care. When the third party is a physician or the government everything becomes complicated, or in the case of the United States it's outlawed unless there are special circumstances.
Terri and Emilio
Currently, Texas is dealing with the case of Emilio Gonzales and whether he has the right to live or die. At 16 months doctors think he has Leigh's Disease. In layman's terms it's a disorder that affects the nervous system with symptoms ranging from loss of motor skills to seizures. Most children diagnosed with Leigh's don't live past the age of 6 or 7. Emilio was born blind and deaf, so being diagnosed (unconfirmed) with a terminal disease convinced the physican caring for the baby to take the next step. Extensive medical care stopped and a committee formed under the Texas Advance Directives Act (TADA).
Signed by then Governor Bush, the act temporarily protects a patient's right not to be taken off life support. A medical ethics committee convenes to look over the patient's records, and the patient's guardian is invited to attend. Furthermore, the guardian is given ten days to find a facility that would take over the patient's care. At no time does the hospital or physician stop care until the transfer occurs or the ten days expire.
The act was construed as a way to prevent any situations that might turn into another Terri Schiavo incident. It would help shield doctors and hospitals from liability, and please the Right to Lifers. Yes, when TADA became a law it had the full support of the right to life groups. Maybe because no one wanted to deal with another potential coma patient who "might wake up." But the Futile Care Law, as the TADA is now called, is being used in cases with consequences. Emilio Gonzales could be the next victim under this act.
Or not.
When read in context the act ensures that the patient's best interests are considered, even if it means death. All parties are involved. Emilio's suffering ends, and he won't have to deal with the growing list of symptoms.
On the other hand is the doctor being stingy, negative even by saying that there's no hope? The mother wants more time with her baby. There might even be a cure, even if it's slightly unrealistic. She's the one who is supposed to make the right choices for her child, isn't she?
Who decides for the children?

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Originally posted at Newsvine. I've been writing a lot there this month, but I've decided to share my contributions here. If you'd like an invite, let me know.

Don G. asks if I think about the bar exam, the curve, the essay questions, etc. The short answer is no. That's a lie.
The truth is that results come out on May 4th, but the examiners love to post examinees names online on the 3rd around 2pm central standard time. This is less than a month away.
How did I do?
I'm not second guessing myself quite yet, so maybe it's a good sign, or maybe I'm just trying not to think about it. February exams are notoriously more difficult because less people take the exam. The curve might be less or it could be more. The first half of the MBE went fine for me. It was tough, but I thought it was fair. The second half felt like I'd been steamrolled. A nice hefty curve would be a joy. As for the Texas essays, why oh why did there have to be two community property questions? Essays don't scare me, but I was ready to kill on Family Law, and seeing that just blew me away.
Hope that helps. 😉

I've been awake since 3:30am, and everything feels hazy. Life goes on, but there is always that one little detail that always stays the same. It never goes away. Images creep into my head of past events, and sometimes the tears come. I'm handling it so well. I think I'm doing my best to avoid it.
Ricky's dad is gone, my uncle, my mom's brother and best friend in childhood. He was working late last night at the family owned gas station when men (or just one? don't know) broke in looking for money. They found him and they shot him in the chest. He died at the hospital during surgery. That's real life, and right now it sucks.

California always has interesting cases, and it has to be the trend setter or at least the media darling. Recently in the news, men have been witnessed fighting to have their say with their surnames. That is they want to take their wives last names, or something like it.

The California Legislature is set to consider a bill this month that would allow men to change their surnames upon marriage as seamlessly as women now can. Only seven states now allow a man who wishes to alter his name after his wedding to do so without going through the laborious, frequently expensive legal process set out by the courts for any name change. Women don't have to do so.

This intrigues me. I always figured that when and if I finally exchanged wedding vows I probably would do a hyphen and combine both last names because I love my last name. If my future husband were willing to do the same then that would be excellent.